Unreality TV

Hello Channel Nine,

This was originally written to Channel Ten, who I’ve since been informed have relinquished the show in question to yourself. This is their loss, and probably due to a misconception of the horse being dead and flogged. I think differently, but please read on.

I’ve noted that the format for some of your reality TV shows has become quite predictable, with the interactions of the contestants becoming rote. My background as a Producer, and my love of dynamic stories has led me to present myself as a consultant to you, to help revitalise some of your properties. What follows is a suggestion on how the next series of Big Brother could be run. We have the set up of a shared house, and ten housemates.

Week 1: The contestants enter the house, and are briefed on the rules: always wear your microphone, and always obey Big Brother. Things start off slowly, with the majority of the group being polite and looking to break the ice. A few more extroverted members make a bigger scene, establishing their roles in the group. By midweek, there are nightly parties occurring and a social structure is fully established. Big Brother announces the first vote for eviction will occur in the coming days.

Week 2: With the eviction now a consideration, behaviours evolve as the contestants vie to make themselves popular both in and out of the House. Diary room videos reveal hidden thoughts and allegiances, but almost everyone notes the same odd fact: Things in the house keep moving during the night. The group have to face this openly when one morning, the entire lounge room is found empty. First eviction takes place: the wallflower is evicted.

Week 3: Week starts off normal enough, until the housemates figure out that every event and announcement is occurring identically to when it did the week previous. Big Brother does not answer anything, or say anything other than exactly what was said the week before. This continues all the way through to the eviction, where the same housemate as the week before is evicted, even though they are no longer present.

Week 4: Nocturnal movements are still occurring. No one is overly concerned, they just think one of the contestants is weird. Big Brother asks them to stop it. It still happens. Thursday morning reveals all the cupboards in the kitchen are entirely empty. Every plate, bowl, food item turns up in the swimming pool on Friday morning. This goes down badly, and suspicions are beginning to disrupt the group dynamic. The smug guy who starts pointing fingers is evicted.

Week 5: Items are going missing again, or being moved. This time it’s personal effects. They start appearing in other people’s areas and so finger pointing begins as the suspected culprits get singled out. One victim singles out a suspected thief and makes a scene. The next morning, the victim has disappeared, and all of their items and clothing are found on someone else. A double eviction is threatened for next week.

Week 6: Big Brother chastises the housemates for their disruptive behaviour and thefts. The housemates become quieter this week, before joining together and having their elected spokesman talk back to Big Brother about the weirdness. Big Brother notes the concerns, and announces the eviction candidates. As everyone awakes on the morning of the eviction, the elected spokesman is missing from the house. Eviction is cancelled this week.

Week 7: A strange man has been sighted in the house at night. The housemates think it’s just one of their own in the dark, and think nothing of it. Wednesday lunchtime, whilst the housemates are eating, he walks into the kitchen, past the counter, and outside the house. By the time he’s followed, he’s gone. When Big Brother is asked who the hell he is, Big Brother responds there was no one there.  The obnoxious opinionated girl is evicted.

Week 8: Everything is normal this week. Housemates notice whispering within the walls of the house, but no discernible source. They assume it’s the speaker system. The double eviction occurs as expected, but just as the names are to be announced, power is cut to the house. It is restored the next morning – no eviction occurs. The whispering continues to occur during the power outage.

Week 9: One of the housemates once again spies a strange man walking around the house at night. The housemate tries to tell the others in the morning. They semi-believe him. That night, he tries to stay awake and fails. In the morning, he wakes to find the house is empty, there are no other housemates at all. He spends all day trying to find them, and fails. That evening, he tries to stay awake again, and falls asleep. In the morning, all the housemates are back, without realising a day is gone. He’s beginning to go crazy. No eviction.

Week 10: The strange man is now being seen during the day. One of the housemates has disappeared, and the strange man is now acting as this housemate. They claim to have always been this person, and do everything the housemate did. The housemate who had previously spotted this guy at night is freaking out. After a few days, the strange man disappears. Big Brother calls a housemate to the diary room. They never return.

Week 11: Everything is normal this week, but the housemates notice the weather has changed suddenly. They are not aware of this, but during the night they were transferred to an exact replica of the house, 600km north of the original. Big Brother will not answer any questions about weather/ the house, and when he does answer, it will be only answer with one word responses. The dumb jock is evicted.

Week 12: Big Brother announces that talking is now banned in the house. Anytime a housemate talks, they are ‘shhhed’ by Big Brother. Finally one of the housemates gets angry at this and starts talking at length. Big Brother continues to shhh. That night, the other housemates are woken by the talker’s bloodcurdling screams. The screaming, talking housemate is now gone.

Week 13: Only two housemates remain, and strange things are now occuring on a daily basis. Clocks and lights on timers have all moved 12 hours forward, with alarms going off in the early evening, forcing housemates to be awake at night, and drowsy/asleep during the day. On one day, an entire room is inverted, only to return to normal the next day. Another day the speaker system is playing deafening static at random intervals. Big Brother has not been heard from in days.

Week 14: Power, water and gas are all cut off. The housemates try and continue without these things, but it soon becomes apparent they aren’t going to come back on. After two days, the door to the outside world unlocks, and opens. The housemates gather some equipment and head out of the door. It leads into an abandoned Masterchef studio. The plastic, inanimate forms of Matt Preston and Gretel Killeen slumped in chairs at a long-emptied table. Old newspapers on the floor indicate the date is 2001, announcing a new TV show: Big Brother.

Roll credits.

Unreality TV: Big Brother Knows Where You Live

~ by nick on January 22, 2013.

3 Responses to “Unreality TV”

  1. You’re a terrifying terrifying man. I hope they respond favourably.

  2. Excuse me, there seems to be some kind of mistake. I cilcked on a link on the internet and I found something hilarious? Who do I need to notify?

    • Hello ,

      We here at nickdurbridge.com take your feedback very seriously, and are already looking at a solution to your concerns.

      To that end, we have documented your feedback, printed it out in triplicate and forwarded these copies to the following departments: Customer Service, Planning and Funky Happy-Time (everyone needs a Funky Happy-Time department – those guys are great!). Every department has a mascot, including a trained hamster, an untrained dog and a hippogriff. Each of these mascots has then devoured the feedback.

      Their reply? It was delicious.

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