End Of (Movember) Days…
Drummer starts. Boom, thump, boom-boom-thump, boom, thump, boom-boom-thump…Bass kicks in. Deep, groovy rhythm is quickly established…Electric guitar begins to wail, like a particularly soulful banshee trapped in an amplifier…
Lights come up. The band on the stage are all superlative musicians from across time, space and Canada. Freddie Mercury and Frank Zappa are jousting for the microphone. Jimi Hendrix is commanding the guitar wail. Paul McCartney and Derek Smalls working away at their respective bass’, continuing the groove. John Bonham and Ringo Starr bash their kits, occasionally hurling an impeccably aimed drum stick at the other’s high-hats. The Chad is bound and gagged on the floor. My band are really cooking – and their moustaches? PERFECT.
That’s right…this is it! The big end extravaganza! Like a cross between a rock concert, Oprah Winfrey’s show and something better than both of those combined. The music is electric, the atmosphere is electric, the lighting is…quite restrained, actually. BUT THE ELECTRICITY HAS ALL MOUSTACHES STANDING ON END!
I take to the stage, Freddie and Frank parting to allow me to grab the microphone. I have with me my acoustic guitar, Selene, and I make movement to strum her classy strings…Freddie and Frank deftly remove the guitar from my person. I am now a cappella. Okay, song is not to happen. *awwwwwww* I hear the crowd roar. The band take it down a notch, they know I’m going to speak. And probably at length.
HELLO PARTY PEOPLE!
Today is November 30th, the year is 2012, and the moustache is officially the hairiest thing you can support charity with. This has been the case since the Wilderness Society Koala disappeared from Bourke Street – I still don’t know where he went.
CHARITY KOALA: STILL MISSING
Last year I set myself the lofty goal of raising $500. For that, I would retain the moustache I had grown (for better or worse), and I even sacrificed the hair of my arms to help accentuate the moustache further. That last bit seemed to bring out some real charitable sadists (charitadists?). This year, I was happy to throw down the challenge and let you come up with the sacrif-
WOW. Donations just came through to push through the $750 barrier. It looks like I now have a date for terrorising Sovereign Hill. Zen, this was your idea – you must help me plan.
And so here we are. The month is almost done, and I have now to do three things for you, the Movember Militia who have banded together to raise money for the causes of Men’s Health, and to make me look silly. I’m not going to question your true motivations. You and I know exactly why you did what you did. And I thank you for it.
1. The moustache must become of a different colour! You have your email asking your choice. You must reply.
2. the moustache must become a tool of nefarious villainy at Sovereign Hill. Damsels beware.
3. All who donated will be reminded of their gift of coffee/lunch/dinner, that they should feel compelled to take me up on.
HONOUR ROLL!
A stunning late entrance from Steve S, who waited for a pause in the drum solo before announcing: “JERK”
A blisteringly fast arpeggio played with astonishing tone from Neisha K – shred those frets!
Complex drum rhythm played with octopus-style dexterity from Pablo H, whilst maintaining total calm and control.
Adrian F, you can outplay anything I can describe for you, so…everyone, just imagine awesome guitar work – and know this guy is better than that.
Not to be outdone, Jessica A takes to playing the synthesizer, by striking an elaborate array of cowbells, with triangles. It’s Rube Goldberg percussion.
If only Jeff Martin would donate with a solo, this would make me the happiest Mo-sketeer ever. (no really, check out that video)
I am at $754.70
The Team is at $904.70
- If I hit $500, I will dye the moustache a colour of your collective choice, for a weekday.
- If I hit $750, I will dress as a vaudevillian villain with waxed moustache, and spend the day at Sovereign Hill being dastardly.
- If I hit $1000, I will keep whatever moustache I end up with, all the way through to 00:01 January 1st, 2013.
- If I hit $1500, dressing up as the Lorax with a dyed orange mo for an entire work day.
- If I hit $2500, I will sculpt the ‘stache into a bat symbol. (This is awesome, but highly unlikely to work)
- If I hit $50,000, I will do something drastic, like shave my head. (okay, maybe something more drastic)
- If I hit $100,000, I will travel to America and spend a week trying to convince Bruce Willis I’m his odd-looking clone.
And I throw down this gauntlet, with 11 hours of Movember remaining. If my total OR the team’s total, hit’s the big 1K, I will keep this lady-repellant moustache through to New Year’s Day and I will make good on the musical theme:
I WILL DO SOMETHING MUSICAL, AND AWESOME FOR YOU ALL. There will be a guitar, a camera, maybe even harmonies…and funny.
VERY VERY FUNNY.
Thoughts In The Key Of N 
*coughing with laughter at ‘charitadists’*