A lengthy Dark Knight synopsis from memory.

I had a group of friends interested in seeing The Dark Knight Rises, and I advised them that they were best to refresh their knowledge of the previous installments. They were unsure if their heavily social schedules would allow for this, so I put together the following during my lunch break. I think it helped them.

HELLO GOTHAM CITY! My, what big buildings you have… Okay, so some crazy clowns are doing a good job of breaking into a big bank. Halfway through, they start bumping each other off until only one is left, who takes all the money right after whipping off his mask to say “Take that, Jack Nicholson”. He jumps on a school bus and away-we-go…

MEANWHILE Some drug dealers are gathering for “business”, and their dogs start yapping. This is the international dog signal for “Holy Crap – Batman’s nearby”, and guess what? HE IS! After running over a wall, beating up some bat-imposters, trying to wrestle a van, and punching a dog, Batman captures the Scarecrow. (remember that guy from 28 Days Later? Turns out hanging out with zombies sends you off the deep end.)

Next morning, whilst Batman is rebuilding himself with a needle and thread, he tells Alfred made-up stories about giant dogs. Across town, DA Harvey Dent gets a fake gun pointed at him in court, he punches a witness, and gets applauded. HE IS A GOOD GUY. Lieutenant Gordon drops by Harvey’s office to tell Harvey he’s a good puncher, and probably a good guy. He also wants Harvey to, like, let him raid banks. Good guy style. Oh, and Batman tells Morgan Freeman he wants a new suit.

Now it heats up. All the bad guys gather in a kitchen (??) and completely FAIL to make any form of sandwich. A Television tells them that the good guys are raiding the banks and stealing all their dirty money. Television says this is cool, because he’s on his way to Hong Kong, and he’s actually hidden all the money. CRAFTY TELEVISION. Ronald McDonald’s twisted brother turns up, and tells the bad guys this isn’t a great idea, and the television will dob them in. He’s the only one who calls Television by his real name: Television. He then shows them he keeps bombs in his jacket, and pencils in people’s heads.

That night the Good Guys get together on a roof and angst over who’s the best good guy. They then make a wager – whoever gets Television back from Hong Kong is The Best Guy. Batman wins, his trophy is on order.

Using Television, Harvey gets hundreds of criminals into court (who knew Televisions were so well connected?), and this upsets the Clown, who starts murdering people everywhere. Then he turns up at Batman’s place, and throws Donnie Darko’s sister, RACHEL DAWES out the window. He’s pretty crazy.

The Police hold a public funeral for the Commissioner who died drinking clown juice (or something), and Joker turns this into a chance to shoot more people – does he ever stop!? Anyway, Lieutenant Gordon gets shot this time, which upsets people. And Batman. Harvey holds a press conference, and after failing to convince people that Batman is The Best Guy, he claims to be Batman and gets arrested. Dumb Harvey.

Once again, the Police are dumb and decide to take prisoner Harvey for a drive across town. Joker interrupts, blows stuff up, blows BAT stuff up, and then Batman blows JOKER stuff up. Then Gordon takes off his mask – he’s alive! Maybe Gordon is The Best Guy after all. Gordon goes home and gets slapped.

Joker’s buddies kidnap Harvey and RACHEL DAWES, and Joker tells Batman he can only save one, so he should probably save the pretty one (Harvey). Whilst Batman is out failing to save people, Joker breaks out of the Police building (seriously, those guys suck), and runs wild. RACHEL DAWES gets cut off mid-sentence (by a bomb), and Harvey gets cut off mid-face. He goes to Hospital, where everyone and Eric Roberts takes it in turns to visit half his face.

Joker blows up the hospital, kidnaps more people (hey, if it ain’t broke…). He gives two boats full of people bombs, and tells them to blow each other up (go on…do it!) Batman saves the hostages-dressed-as-clowns, and crash-tackles the clowns-dressed-as-hostages (he’s good!). THEN HE FIGHTS MORE DOGS! Then he fights Joker. Joker doesn’t lose as much as get upset that Batman beat up his dogs. He goes to jail. Hospital. Clown School?

Harvey! Remember that guy? He’s not dead – he went around tossing coins and shooting bad cops. Then he starts tossing coins and trying to shoot people named Lt. Gordon, Mrs Gordon, Little Gordon…Batman doesn’t like that, and throws Half-Face off a building. Then he realises that this will upset people, so instead he tells Lt. Gordon that he, Batman, must be blamed for tossing coins and shooting people. Then the people can hate his cape, and everyone is happy.

So Harvey kills people, Batman fights dogs. Gordon…HE is truly The Best Guy.

Now go watch The Dark Knight Rises, and tell everyone what you saw here.

~ by nick on July 30, 2012.

One Response to “A lengthy Dark Knight synopsis from memory.”

  1. Nick, this was hilarious! So funny. I laughed and laughed. I must talk to you about the Scarecrow, and the latest Batman, and that is all I will say here in case of SPOILERS. Hot chocolate soon?

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