Excerpt from “The Burger Knight”

Enter Ronald

From the back of the room comes LAUGHTER. It grows and grows, until it fills the room. All eyes turn: Ronald McDonald. Sweaty clown makeup obscuring the AWFUL SCARS which widen his mouth into a PERMANENT, GHOULISH SMILE. And curly red hair. He DANCES in a kooky way.

RONALD
And I thought MY jokes were bad.

GRIMACE
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t have my boy here pull your head off.

Ronald pulls out a freshly sharpened pencil.

RONALD
How about a magic trick?

Ronald SLAMS the pencil into the table, leaving it UPRIGHT.

RONALD (CONT’D)
I’ll make this pencil disappear.

Grimace nods. His BODYGUARD, MAYOR MCCHEESE MOVES at Ronald – who SIDE STEPS, GRIPS his head- SLAMS it, FACE DOWN, onto the table…Mayor McCheese goes LIMP and slides off of the table. The PENCIL is gone. MAGIC. Ronald BOWS. Grins at Grimace.

RONALD (CONT’D)
Ta-da! It’s….ah, it’s gone. Oh, and by the way, the jumpsuit wasn’t cheap. You should know. You bought it.

Grimace STANDS, furious. The Hamburglar stops him.

HAMBURGLAR
Robble Robble Robble (subtitle: Sit. I wanna hear proposition.)

Ronald nods his thanks. Rises.

RONALD
Let’s wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn’t dare cross any of you. I, I mean, what happened? Did your balls drop off? Hnh? See, a guy like me-

GRIMACE
A freak.

Laughs. Which Ronald tries to ignore.

RONALD
A guy like me… Look, listen. I know why you choose to have your little group therapy session in broad daylight. I know why you’re afraid to go out at night. The Burger King. See, The King has shown fastfood your true colors, unfortunately. Nando? He’s just the chicken.

(indicates the Drive-Thru Speaker )

And as for the, the Speakerbox’s so-called plan- The Burger King has no jurisdiction. He’ll find him and make him squeal.

(smiles at The Speakerbox)

I know the squealers when I see them, and…

HAMBURGLAR
Robble Robble Robble? (subtitle: What you propose?)

RONALD
It’s simple. We, ah kill the Burger King.

(jeers. laughter)

BIRDIE
If it’s so easy, why haven’t you done it already?

RONALD
If you’re good at something never upsize it for free.

HAMBURGLAR
Robble Robble Robble. (subtitle: How much you want?)

RONALD
Ah, half

(Laughter. Ronald shrugs, rises) “You’re crazy.”

RONALD
I’m not. No, I’m not. If we don’t deal with this, soon, Little Grimace here won’t be able to get a McHappy Meal for his grandma…

GRIMACE
ENOUGH from the clown

(Grimace gets up, moving towards Ronald, who casually opens his coat, revealing explosives wired to cheseburgers, wired to his chest. Grimace stops.)

RONALD
Let’s not blow this out of proportion…

(Grimace stares at Ronald. Hard)

GRIMACE
You think you can just steal from us and walk away?

RONALD (interrupts)
Yeah…

GRIMACE
– I’m putting the word out – 5 hundred grand for this clown dead. A million alive, so I can teach him some manners, first.

(Ronald shrugs. Turns to the assembled.)

RONALD
Let me know when you change your minds.

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~ by nick on February 2, 2012.

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